I was at work on a typical Wednesday, and I saw that I missed a call from my daughter. I called her back, expecting to hear some normal, daily-type, newsy thing. But this is what I heard instead:
"Chris and I are thinking about just going ahead and getting married this weekend."
Pause
"OK. And where were you planning on doing that?"
"Your house."
Pause
"OK."
And thus began three days of adrenaline-induced living that resulted in a wonderful, beautiful, I-can't-believe-we-did-this, thank-you-God ending.
Since that joyful weekend took place, many friends and colleagues (almost all women) have told me how fortunate I am to not have gone through months and months of planning and preparation, and some of them have even said, "I hope my daughter wants to do what your daughter did." Because of those responses, I wanted to share our experience in the hope that it will give someone else out there "permission" to buck the system and go against the flow and "do" a small wedding. Our culture has convinced young women that they need to spend thousands of dollars and months of anxious planning to get married. It's not true... every couple is different, and every family. Don't give in to the pressure if it's really not right for the ones who are saying "I Do!"
So here are the details from our special day:
1. It was top secret
We told almost no one. We did not want any feedback from anyone. We didn't want to see the look on anyone's face that said, "You people are insane. What is wrong with you?" It felt right from the first moment and we wanted to move forward in that glow.
2. The Guest List
Immediate family only, no exceptions. The thinking behind this was that if we made even one exception, someone's feelings would be hurt. Immediate family is on one relationship level (the highest), and if we added even one person from the next level down, someone would feel slighted, because there are many people on that next level.
3. Flowers
Thank God for a colleague who does flowers as a hobby. She was one of the two work colleagues who I confided in, because we had already been discussing the potential summer wedding. We kept it super simple: a table arrangement, a bouquet for the bride and a boutonniere for the groom.
From the time I got home from work on Wednesday right through Saturday (wedding day) around noon, most of my energy went into cleaning and decorating. I made wedding programs. The couple brought empty wine bottles, and we bought candles and made them fit into the wine bottles (a little tricky, but I got pretty good at it). The dining room furniture was moved out of the room, a lovely sort of altar/front table was set up. The hutch became the cake table, and we found every bit of clear glass or silver that could hold a tea light and put those in the hutch (replacing my usual stoneware). Another smaller surface held the champagne in ice and the wedding license paperwork. I was careful to think about what the background would look like in photos - even scraping stickers off the windows that had been there for 20 years! We decluttered like crazy - temporarily putting things in other rooms (I think I've since found them all again).
5. Food
Because the groom's mother and sister were arriving from out-of-state just before the ceremony after a long drive, and because we wanted people to relax before the ceremony, and because we didn't want to make anyone get a loopy, sugar-alcohol rush from drinking champagne and eating wedding cake on an empty stomach, we put out a couple of plates of munchies for the half hour or so before we actually started the 3:00-ish ceremony. Simple platters of veggies and fruit with dip, along with punch and coffee, were out on the table so folks could hang around and relax and chat.
6. The Gown
This was the one real concession to the standard, very expensive wedding. The bride wanted a beautiful dress. We were fortunate to have the most unusual wedding gown shop only 35 minutes from home - and we went there the day before the ceremony (I would not recommend this - I prayed a lot). After finding the perfect dress off the rack, the store was willing to sell it to us immediately, even though it was their only sample of that style and they would not be able to get another from the designer for a couple of months.
7. The Ceremony
Part of the reason my daughter wanted to "get it over with" was because she is very introverted, and a bit of an anxious soul. She has never, ever wanted to be the center of attention. For years she told us she didn't want to be up in front of a bunch of people and that she only wanted a "really small wedding." We just didn't realize how "small" she meant. She said just thinking about the potential wedding was making her anxious and uncomfortable, and that was one of the reasons the couple decided to do a stealth wedding.
In our state, couples may be married by a Notary. In looking over the list of notaries in our county, we were very, very pleased to find the name of a dear friend from our church, whose son had been a friend of our children. We called him, and even though he had never done a wedding before, he was very pleased and honored to be asked. He spoke with the couple regarding what they wanted for a ceremony. Even with our very small crowd (nine people total!), the couple did not want to spend a long time up in front of everyone, so what they wanted was a short ceremony. They settled on a greeting, a few Scripture verses, a prayer, and the conventional vows and ring exchange (the moms handed out the rings at the right time). It ended with, "by the authority vested in me by the state of Maine, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." Less than 10 minutes. Just what they wanted.
8. After the Ceremony
After happy smiles and hugs, there were photos, and then a champagne toast by the bride's dad, and the bride and groom cut their 6" cake and fed each other a piece. Everyone else received a cupcake. The cake and the cupcakes were ordered from a local shop, which was very accommodating on short notice, and made a gluten-free, lemon butter cream frosting, lemon-filled cake and cupcakes.
9. Photographs
The groom's mom had a quality camera and experience photographing weddings, so she was able to pose everyone and arrange the bride's gown "just so" to take lovely photos. I was so relieved not to be the only one taking photos. I set up an ipad to take a video of the ceremony.
10. The End of a Wonderful Afternoon
We all went to a local restaurant together (we made a reservation) for a delicious, relaxed meal, and personal phone calls were made to those on the "next level" before anything was announced on Facebook. After the meal we sent the beaming couple off to a night at a seaside resort. When I made the resort reservation online, I mentioned in the comments section that this would be the couple's wedding night, and the resort had a bottle of champagne and two champagne glasses waiting for them.
